Sex Over-Easy
These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, “I just have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back in a minute.” and off she went.
Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky ‘egg’lige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.
He replied, “The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!”
The Nuns and the Blind Man
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. “Nice Gazonas,” says the man, “where do you want these blinds?”
MasterCard for Men
MasterCard for Men Cover charge: $15.00 Round of drinks: $23.00 Table dance: $30.00 another round of drinks: $23.00 Couch dance and tips: $50.00 A round of shots: $34.00 Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless
There are some things that money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard.
Hiding in the Closet
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he asks.
“I’m having a heart attack!” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
”You bastard,” says the husband. “My wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”
Jokes on You, Teacher
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ‘penis’ in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word ‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”
What Do I Look Like?
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband just looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, “Honey, the car won’t start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
“What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?” was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he’s walking through the door. “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He just looked at her and said “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, “Honey, how come there aren’t any more leaks, and the car’s running?”
She replied nonchalantly, “Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.” “Wow, did he charge us anything?” asked the husband. “No, he just said that he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him” she said.
“Cool. What kind of cake did you make?” asked the husband. “Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
Clinton’s Favorite Things
This should be sung to the tune “A Few of My Favorite Things” from the movie” The Sound of Music”
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places, Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces, Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring, These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Jennifer Flowers, Horny young interns who while ‘way the hours, Profits from futures that Hillary brings, These are a few of my favorite things
When that Jones bites, When Ken Starr stings, When I’m feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don’t feel so bad
Beating the draft board and getting elected, Naming to judgeships some hacks I’ve selected, Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing, These are a few of my favorite things
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury, Falling down drunk that required knee surgery Stars in the White House who come here to sing, These are a few of my favorite things
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony, States of the Union with lots of baloney, Winning debates and the joy of my flings, These are a few of my favorite things.
Act Of God
The new minister’s wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood up and shouted “Having children is an Act of God!”
An older man in the back stood and shouted back “So is rain and snow, but we wearing rubbers for them!”
Seasick
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested they take a cruise: “We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!” He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said ”I’ve been thinking. There is no reason we can’t go for a month.” So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for twelve bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned his wife said, ”You know, since the children are on their own, what’s stopping us from cruising the world?”
So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.
“You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don’t mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?”
How to Sell Lawnmowers
A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. “Watch how I do it” he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.
The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him “You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you’re going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass.” “You know,” said the man, “I do need to get a new mower, sure I’ll take one.”
After the customer left, the new kid said, “I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one.” A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, “You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that.”
The man then asked the young salesman, “What are you talking about?” “Well,” he said, “It looks like your weekend’s shot so you might as well cut the grass!”