Saddam’s doubles
The good news and the bad news for Saddam’s doubles… All eight of Saddam Hussein’s body doubles were gathered in a bunker in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the Deputy Prime Minister, walked in and said, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have a job.” One of the doubles spoke up and said, “what’s the bad news”? “He’s lost an arm.”
First Lady
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno . . . . . . were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his.” Janet responded. “Just because I am considered ugly, doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.” Hillary asks, “Well how do you deal with the problem?” Janet: “Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can.” Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, “Is that you Janet?”
Something everyone
Here’s something everyone should probably know: You may remember that on July 2, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with four aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is an incident, of course, that many say has been covered up by the government. However, you may not know that on March 31,1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. Now, that clears up a lot of things.
Clinton mortgage application
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, that’s 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down, that’s $440,000, leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000. Now let’s have a look at your financial statements. Let’s see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of course, and your salary is $200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher? And I see here that you’ll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library? In Little Rock? Arkansas? Wow. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker. Mrs. Clinton, you’re running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 year-assuming, of course, she’s elected, so even with your pension you’re still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center hall colonial. Mrs. Clinton, you haven’t worked outside the house since 1991? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You tried to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. But no one was interested? But you have other experience? I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. You actually did go to Yale you claim? A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail. This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay. Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine. Let’s look at your assets: you owe $4.5 million Mr. Clinton? How do you expect to pay that off? You’re hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you’re relying on the kindness of strangers. You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? Any legal problems? I see a $90,000 fine for perjury. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you’re not lying on you loan application? Of course it would look a lot better if you WERE lying. Are there any other legal matters we should know about? Mrs. Clinton? You don’t think she’s going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But we’re not totally sure, right? That means there’s a remote possibility-note that I say “remote” that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and while Mr. Clinton is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock. Let’s review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. Your business partners are in jail. You have debts equivalent to over 22 times your annual income that you’re hoping someone is going to come along and pay. And a looming criminal indictment. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford. We’ll give you a call.
Jerry Falwell
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton . . . . . . on a recent airplane flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked Mr. Falwell if he too would like a drink.
The Reverend Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, “Madam, I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips!” Hearing that, the President handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize there was a choice. I’ll have what he’s having.”
HIV virus
Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey .. … who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in WellingtonBronx and is still a part time “working girl” in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits. All thing considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French? Signed, Worried About My Reputation.
Learn to speak German
A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve. A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked. “Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?” Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. “Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German.” The group became silent.
Britain and France
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, “Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?” In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won’t show and the men they are leading won’t panic. And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.
Marine helicopter crash
This is a moral question for you. It is an imaginary situation . . . . . . but it is fun to decide what you would do.
The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed. You are a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
Suddenly, you stumble across a Marine helicopter crash. It’s Bill Clinton’s and he’s struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you have the choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President.
What shutter speed would you use?
I’m Al Gore
Good afternoon. I’m Al Gore, and I’d like to tell you about myself. I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat. My mother taught me the value of education, so every day; I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun-loving scamp, thought I never dreamed that one-day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for “Huckleberry Finn.” Back then, black folks in the south were second-class citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town, and I asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee civil rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I made an impression. You see, the minister’s name was Martin Luther King, Jr. My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his knee and said, “Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama, someday you can live in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an exclusive prep school.” But life of privilege was not for me. After getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me “Norma Rae.” When word got out what an 18 year old factory worker had done, Harvard called and offered me a scholarship. I captained the hockey team to four consecutive national championships, but I also played football and was good enough to win the Heisman Trophy. During my college years, I lived in a housing project and moonlighted playing lead guitar for a little rock band. You may have heard of it-the Rolling Stones. But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Medal of Honor and the Croix de Guerre. When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man, I’ve breathed the mountain air, man, I’ve traveled, I’ve done my share, man, I’ve been everywhere. And the people I met at truck stops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: “Al, we need you in Washington.” I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business—building the World Trade Center, founding the Audubon Society, doing the clinical research that proved smoking caused cancer, and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field’s chocolate chip cookies. Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and the Senate, where I established the US Strategic Oil Reserve. And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no particular reason, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States. Since then, I’ve been part of the most successful administration in American history. And, in my spare time, I invented the Internet. Many times Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariable say, “Of course. That’s brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that?” During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away form that dark-haired intern. So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice-words I’ll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, “Al, just tell the truth, it’s always worked for me.”