Hospital Charts
Actual writings on hospital charts:
1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Preparing for a Mammogram
For women - Helpful info. For men - For the woman in your life.
PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:
Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.
Exercise No. 1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.Invite a stranger into the room. Place one bookend on each side of your breast. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other breast.
Exercise No. 2: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Don’t breathe. REPEAT again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough. REPEAT all steps on the other breast.
Exercise No. 3: Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect (anywhere below 32 degrees).Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged tightly under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
Sex with Patients
A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day’s activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good moral side and that of his mischievous side. While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says “don’t worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients.” The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice says “don’t worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients.” Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time another voice in head says, “but you’re a veterinarian.”
New Healthcare Techniques
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.”How are you grandpa? he asks. “Feeling fine,” says the old man. “What’s the food like?” “Terrific, wonderful menus.” “And the nursing?” “Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.” “What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?” “No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it. I go out like a light.” The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. “What are you people doing,”he says, “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?” “Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.
The Miracle of Nature - Birds and Bees
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, “Great, he’s four years old and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I’ll let him ask and then I’ll answer.” After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?” “Just one,” gasped the wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”
Doctor Visit
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor’s office. “We have come for an examination” said the young girl. “Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.” “No, not me” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.” “Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, please stick out your tongue.”
I Need a Male Pharmacist
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said “this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?” The pharmacist said “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.” When she returned, she said, “the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.”
Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? A: He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
Ode To A Mammogram
For year’s years they told me, “Be careful of your breasts. Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests.”
So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law… Guarded them very carefully, And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care, The Doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump.
“Stand up very close,” she said, as she got my tit in line, “And tell me when it hurts,” she said, Ah yes!There! Thats just fine.”
She stepped upon a pedal… I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down… My Boob was in a vice!!
My skin was stretched’n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squashed To Swedish pancake thin!!
Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vice-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!
“Take a deep breath,” she said to me. Who does she think she’s kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting.
“There, that was good,” I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying, “Now lets get the other one,” “Lord, have mercy,” I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, I’ll bet she’s never had this done to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now… If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped-Ker-Pow!!
This machine was made by man, Of this I have no doubt… I’d like to get his balls in there, For months he’d go “WITHOUT”!!
Mechanic v. Surgeon
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, “Hey DeBakey . . . . Is dat you ? Come over here a minute.” The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, “So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind ‘em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?” DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris . . . “Try doing your work with the engine running.”