Plastic Surgery
Hey, if I pay for the plastic surgery will you do it?
PMS
Q: Why do they call PMS PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
Policeman
What to not say to the nice policeman.I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?Hey, you must’ve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.Bad cop! No doughnut!You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald’s?I pay your salary!So, uh, you on the take or what?Gee, Officer! That’s terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around–that’s how far ahead of me they are.What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?
Poopy Insult
If i needed any s*** from you i’d squeeze your head.
Poppa is a Brand New Bag
Yo’ daddy’s so ugly, when he looked out the window he was arrested for mooning!
POV
An Insult: I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass!
Preferential Treatment
A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant. “Men prefer thin women,” said the skinny woman. “Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?” said the fat one. “No, your boyfriend told me that!”
Pumpkin
Is that your head or did someone plant a pumpkin on your neck?
Red Sox Humor
Three fans are walking to fen Way Park for the red sox-Yankees playoff series, when they see a foot sticking out of some bushes. An inspection revealed a dead-drunk naked woman. One man placed his oriole’s baseball cap on her right breast. The red sox fan placed his cap on her left breast, and the Yankee fan put his over her crotch. They then called the police. The cop lifted up the orioles cap, and made a few notes. He then lifted the red sox cap and made more notes. Then he lifted the Yankees cap, put it down, lifted it again and put it down. When he lifted it the third time the Yankee fan said, ”what are you doing? Are you some kind of pervert, or what?” the cop said, I was just confused, usually when I see a Yankee cap, there’s a****** under it.”
Republicans in Heaven
Why are there only 12 Republicans in heaven? If there were any more, it’d be hell.