“he s*** the bed and turned blue, miss”
Its the first day back after the holidays for the primary ones (first graders), and the teacher decides to ask each of the children to tell a small story about their fathers. so the teacher points to little katy and asks, “katy, what does your daddy work as?” and katy replies “my daddy’s an aircraft pilot, and he flies people all over the world and makes them very happy.” the teacher then asks little david what his daddy does. “my daddy is a postman, miss, and he delivers letters and parcels to people sent from all over the place, and he makes people happy.” the teacher turns to little susan and is about to ask the same question as the others, but susan suddenly bursts into tears. the teacher rushes over to console her. “whets wrong susan?” “my daddy is dead, miss” she replies. “aww…. i didn’t know that. i’m so sorry” “it’s ok” she choked out, through tears. “so tell me susan, what did your father do before he died?” “he s*** the bed and turned blue, miss”
The man enters a drugstore:
- Give me a pack of condoms. - What size? - I do not know… - Well, take this board with holes, and go to the toilet and measure. In 10 minutes the man comes back: - I have changed my mind, I don’t need the condoms. How much is this board?
WHAT?! And to him too?
Classical situation. The wife in bed with a fatigue lover, husband rushes unexpectedly. The wife shouts to the lover: - Dear! Prove to him that you’re a real man! Lover: - WHAT?! And to him too?
Mum, what is it the daddy has?
A small girl suddenly sees her father coming out from the bathroom, and asks the mum: - Mum, what is it the daddy has? - Well, my girl, it is such daddy’s thing… If he hasn’t it you couldn’t be here, (… pause…), and me, perhaps, too.
“i haven’t f***** the wife! “
The farmer early in the morning comes out, peers into the distance tensely and thinks: “well, i’ve milked the cows, i’ve fed the horses, what else? oh s***, i haven’t f***** the wife! ”
The Bible teaches to love your neighbor
The Bible teaches to love your neighbor, and Kama-Sutra explains how.
A female doctor can’t fall asleep
A female doctor can’t fall asleep. the conscience and mind are discussing in her. the conscience: - how can you sleep after you were unfaithful to your husband! the mind: - it depends on husbands! if your husband is always busy, he has no time for sex; even the holy wife will be unfaithful. you were right, my dear… hush and sleep… the conscience: - adultery differs! f****** with a patient is unprofessional! the mind: - yes, but remember mary from the near by hospital. she always has sex with her patients - everybody is satisfied and pleased. the conscience becomes silent. the woman falls asleep… and suddenly the conscience starts again with sarcastic whisper: - yes, but mary is not a veterinary…
A woman went to a resort with her son
A woman went to a resort with her son. When they came back home, she told her husband, “I liked it very much. The sea was beautiful. Also, I met a Hero of the Soviet Union, a nice guy.” The son said, “What kind of hero is he if he was afraid to be in the dark room without my mom?”
“then go f*** yourself”
A kentucky family took a vacation to new york city. for an adventure, the father took his son to see a skyscraper. they were amazed by everything they saw — especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. the boy asked, “what’s that there, paw?” the father responded, “well, son, i reckon i never did see nothing like this in my entire life. i got no darned idea what it is!” while the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. the walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. the walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. they continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. the walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. the father turned to his son and said, “go get your maw.” this little boy and his grandfather are fishing. granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, “grandpa, can i have one of those?” grandpa says “is your penis big enough to touch your a******?” to which the little boy responds “no.” “then you can’t have one.” a while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, “can i have on of those?” grandpa says “is your penis big enough to touch your a******?” to which the little boy responds “no.” “then you can’t have one.” later on, grandpa and grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says, “i just won $50,000″ grandpa says, “great, you’re going to split that with me, right?” the little boy asks, “grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your a******?” “yes,” says grandpa. “then go f*** yourself”
A father charges into the bathroom
a father charges into the bathroom and starts yelling at his son “son! how many times have i told you not to do that? stop it! if you keep doing that, you’ll go blind!” the son replies: “i’m over here, dad.” his son puts a guy into a nursing home. he doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake. the first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard-on. out of nowhere, a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down, and blows him without saying a word. the guy gets on the phone to his son and says, “son! i love this place! thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!” the son says, “wow, pop. you sound really happy. what happened?” the old man says, ” you won’t believe it. i woke up this morning with a hard-on, and the most beautiful nurse i’ve ever seen in my life came into my room and blew me. didn’t say a word. just blew me.” “well, that sounds great, dad. congratulations.” “well, thank you, son,” the old man says, and hangs up the phone. later that day, the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. he slips and falls and can’t get up. a big hillbilly orderly comes up to him, rips his pants down, f**** him up the ass, and leaves him lying there in a heap. the old man crawls to a phone and calls his son. “you got to get me out of here, son. this place is nuts!” “what happened, pop? you sound terrible!” says the son. “well, i was walking with my walker and fell down and couldn’t get up. then this big hillbilly orderly came by, ripped my pants down, and f***** me up the ass!” “well, you know, dad,” says the son. “you got a blow job this morning. you got to take the good with the bad…” “no, you don’t understand, son!” exclaims the old man. “i only get a hard-on once a month! i fall down three, four times a day!”