Your name in the report
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Cheating
TEACHER: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son. FATHER: What’s that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.
GirlFriend 5.0
Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs itself as ‘Fiancee 1.0′. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it’s a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING. It is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all. Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems. Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0. Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release: * A ‘Don’t remind me again’ button * Minimize button * Shutdown feature * An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled if necessary (so you don’t lose cache and other objects) . Unfortunately, since I’ve already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don’t think I will be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same system — most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. I personally find all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I’m sticking with Dog 1.0k9. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.
Snakes don’t have feet
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY: You can’t fool me, Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.
Don’t bite any
HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting insects? JOSE: Don’t bite any.
Bill Gates / Clinton in Heaven
I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature. Willie replied: “Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I’m chained to this realy ugly old thing as penance.” We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing. The King replies: “Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster for a while as penance.” We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on. After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy Gates just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious, and sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs, and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each other like that. The woman answered first: “When I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins…”
Arithmetic
TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? VINCENT: One dollar. TEACHER(sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic. VINCENT(sadly): You don’t know my father.
Big hands
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have? CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827.
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. “Don’t you get it?” the caretaker says incredulously.
Sexing Your Computer
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., “Steady as she goes”, or “She’s listing to starboard, Captain!”). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow: Five reasons to believe computers are female: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you”. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male.
Their reasons follow: Five reasons to believe computers are male: 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.