Beer brothers
A man walks into a pub and says, “Give me three pints of Guinness, please”.
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, and then the third until they’re gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia, and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, and then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died”.
The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking”.
Beer consumption
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like this.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to “disappear”.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Beer nuts vs. deer nuts
Q: How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? A: The Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and the Deer Nuts are under a Buck.
Biker bar interview
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaimed, “I want to join your biker club”.
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asked her, “You have a bike?”
The little old lady said, “Yeah, that’s my Harley over there”, and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady said, “Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker was impressed and asked, “Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The little old lady said, “No, I’ve never been picked up by the fuzz, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times”.
Blondes love puzzles
There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes & they were chanting ”44 days! 44 days!” One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, ‘‘why are you chanting 44 days?” She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, ”A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!”’
Braggadocio
Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
“My son,” the first one says, “started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!”
“My son,” said the second, “started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!”
“My son,” said the third, “started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock.”
“Well,” the fourth guy said, “my son’s turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He’s a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday.”
Brother is “out”
Guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow! You must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”
Bubba’s secret
A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty drunk, and the topic turns to Bubba at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the biggest dick in town. One of the guys gets enough courage to go up to Bubba and ask him why he’s got the biggest schlong around.
“Well,” says Bubba, “every night before bed, I tug on my dick and tap it on the bedpost three times.”
“That’s it?” asks the drunk.
“Yup,” says Bubba. So the guy goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing, tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times. Suddenly his wife wakes up and says, “Bubba, is that you?”
C-ing I dog
Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn’t allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.
“Just watch me and follow my lead,” he said.
He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, “I’m sorry but I can’t let you in here”.
The guy looked at the bartender and asked, “Why not?”
The bartender replied, “Well, we don’t allow dogs into the bar.”
“But this is my Seeing Eye dog”, the guy said.
“Oh, I’m sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever.”
The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can’t let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.
“But this is my Seeing Eye dog”, said the second guy.
The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, “Sir, ah um a Chihuahua?”
The man looked a little puzzled and then said, “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Californiacation
A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.
After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. “Don’t you boys worry about it,” said the Texan, “we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas. ”
The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smithereens. “Hey, don’t sweat it dudes,” chirped the Californian, “There’s zillions of bottles of wine in Cal.”
The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock.
“Relax, kids,” said the Seattlite coolly”, Up in Seattle, there’s a freaking’ shipload of Californians. No big deal.”